NEW BLOG

I've started a new blog. I realized today that I need a space that I can freely write and vent. A space where I can write whatever I want without judgement. I've wanted to write more recently but the truth is I'm limited due to the friends, family, coworkers and boys that i know read this. I want to feel like I can say fuck you or even I love you if I want.
I'm not sure if I will continue this blog or not, I haven't decided. We will see.

-J-

No Tree This Christmas

Bah Hum Bug…
I’m so not digging Christmas this year and I’m not too sure what it is exactly. Generally I like Christmas, I enjoy shopping for gifts, I like to bake Christmas cookies, make my own Christmas cards, putting the decorations up even dressing up the cat in her red handkerchief (even if it only last for 3 seconds to get a picture). The truth is I can’t be bothered this year. I wish someone would kick my ASS in spirit gear. Where is that Jessica who cares and gives a shit about all of those things? It seems weird to me that this year is more blah then last year. A person would think that the first Christmas outside of normal routine that was establishes over the years would be the most difficult? Apparently not. Maybe I was distracted last year? There’s a good possibility I had a handsome distraction last year. I am certainly missing certain things about the holidays and the old life. Of course I know I hold the power to make Christmas what I want it to be and I could go to storage, dig out the tree, the decorations.  I could do everything I normally do. But there’s no motivation. It’s not the same to decorate a tree for yourself and by yourself. Bah hum bug. It makes me angry when I let shit get the best of me. I know it’s just Christmas and just a stupid Christmas tree but the truth is I’m angry about my lack of spirit.

Here’s what I’ve recently learnt about anger. You’re never angry for the reason you think you are. It’s so true isn’t it?  Anger is simply just the easy way out or outlet for your emotions. Beneath anger usually sits a pile of hurt. Hurt makes people vulnerable and being vulnerable is generally about the FEAR of one of the following:

- Fear of losing love
- Fear of losing control
- Fear of being helpless, powerless or unsafe

Fear allows you to stay in anger and essentially is your way of self preservation. Fear will define who you are if you let it, so HOW do I not let that happen? That is the real question.

Oprah…
What I have realized is that OPRAH is very controversial. You either love her or you hate her. I can’t imagine those people who don’t like her; the woman has so many valuable sincere messages that have really helped me in my life. In some cases even changed my view point, or the way I see life.  Tonight I got caught up in her Lifeclass shows once again.

What I’m realizing more and more everyday (with thehelp of Oprah) is that life is truly about energy. Despite some minor challenges (as I call them) in my life, I like to think that I’ve a fairly positive person. I think when you give and project positiveness outwards it’s only natural that positive things happen in your life and come back around. I’ve been feeling really blah lately and I think its cause I’m not pum showing signs of tting the right energy out. I need to fix that. Somehow. I think I want to start by sharing some joy with others, it might just help me feel good about my life, what I DO HAVE, and get me into the Christmas spirit.

Holiday Project:
I’ve decided that there are too many elderly people in facilities where they don’t get any gifts or visitors at Christmas. I’m making contact with a long term care facility in town where they have a list of people who legitimately NEED things, and don’t have family that visit and buy them gifts. I hope to anonymously put a smile on someone’s face so it will put a smile on my own. Giving really is the best gift so I’m going to do what I can because I can.

And for the girl(s) who need to read this right now (you know who you are):
Love shouldn’t have to fix you or change you. Love accepts you as you are, faults and all. Love doesn’t walk away, stop trying or wanting to make it work. Take your time to look for and enjoy the experience and try not to get caught up in the feeling. The feeling wears off and you will find you’re not left with a lot of substance. AND remember that wanting something/someone is living in the space of what you don’t have. Live in the space of what you DO HAVE and the rest of the blanks will naturally fill themselves in over time. TIME!  Maybe that lesson/note was for me too :)

-J-

You Will...

Shit's getting done. The first paid photo shoot is done. Hallelujah. Editing is taking place. I met a family a couple years ago through Kijiji when I was out of a job and wanting to do some photography projects to keep busy. I photographed her family at the park  and she loved the photos I took for them. About a month ago she contacted me again and wanted to know if I was still taking photos. OF COURSE I’M STILL TAKING PHOTOS, it’s in my blood. My confession: I kinda lied. I told her that I now charge to take photos (I’ve never charged anyone). She agreed to my price like it was nothing, flattering really.  We met again last weekend and it was really nice to see how much her twin girls have grown.  I wish I could have had them stay a bit longer to get some more shots, but kids really don’t have the attention span an inspiring photographer needs. Overall I’m happy, and I think it might be a start. I’m thinking of posting another add on Kijiji soon to do some more things for strangers, make some more connections. It’s great creative expression for me to work on photos. It gives me the outlet I need. Here are just a few photos from last weekend family shoot:

Recently while cleaning up my computer I came across my “counseling folder”.  A folder in which houses a variety of old notes, and writing exercises my counselor has had me do over the last year and a half (I’ve not seen her in a while).  One of the exercises she had me write was “What’s Important to Me in a Partner”. A reflection of what it is that I value in a partner and what I feel I deserve. Life has a funny way of getting complicated, not to mention messy. When life happens things find a way of getting foggy. The list is just a visual reminder. It’s good to revisit when needed and remind yourself of the qualities in a person that are important to me. It’s been several months since I had read the list. Most things haven’t changed however there were some revisions made this week.

 You Will…

…have a smile that I’ll want to see every day, no matter what.
…make me a better person for knowing who you are and I’ll make you equally a better
    person as well.
…make me wonder, “Where have you been my whole life?”.
…make me feel like all the previous heartaches and breaks were so worth it.
…want to be invested in my life as much as I am in yours.
…be the person who I can count on to fix everything, or put an honest effort to try and fix,
    from the leaking toilet to me when I’ve had a bad day.
…inspire me to be the best person I know how to be.
…make me proud to hold your hand.
…make me count the days and hours when I can see you next.
…be genuine & authentic.
…never make me feel embarrassed to be your partner.
…spread love and light to those who know you, and even some who don’t.
…be the person I can’t stop talking about.
…leave a smile both on my face, and my heart.
…be considerate of others.
…have compassion.
…be someone who compliments my life and personality.
…have a soft heart & kind soul.
…be quirky and make me laugh.
…know just what to say on bad days to comfort me.
…be the kind of man who values honesty and integrity.
…be the man that will make just cuddling feel like it’s the most intimate experience ever.
…give me butterflies even after years of being together.
…be a man who never gives up and loses sight of WHAT and WHO is important in your life.
…be LOYAL.
…be someone who makes me feel like the only girl in the world.
…be a man who isn’t afraid to cry in front of me and who makes me comfortable enough that 
    I can cry in front of him.
…be someone who stops and makes me think “how did I get SO lucky?”
…make me feel like forever isn’t long enough!
…hold my heart in your hands and treasure it likes it’s the best gift in the world.

 I have 7 days of vacation left and I’m craving a sunny holiday BIG TIME. I’ve been fairly fortunate, in the last year I’ve been away down south twice. … and the truth is I’d LOVE to make that three times. Trying to make myself realize I can’t have everything I want is tough. I wanna smell the salty ocean mixed with the smell of pina coladas and sun tan lotion. *sigh* not this year I suppose. One year I’d love to spend Christmas away, totally checked out of the craziness, leave December 23^rd and come back in the New Year. I’ve not done this yet, but maybe one day!? For now I guess I will make due with an Epsom salt bath, light my candle called “ocean breeze” and lather myself in coconut body butter… totally not the same effect but hey, what can I say, it’s a mini vacation on a budget!

-J-

Packages, Birthdays & Remembering

I’m starting to get back into the swing of things writing again or at least feeling like putting my thoughts down. Starbucks seems to be my sanctuary. Funny really, but I imagine that if I was one of those people who had to work from home that I would most likely have to come to Starbucks to get real work done. Distractions are just too much at home.

What a week, weekend and day.  

Thank heavens for a package landing in Arizona, it really changed my mood and lifted my spirits. I kind of really needed it to get there. My mood was dependant on it as sad as that is.  I’m super happy it was well received and appreciated. It made me smile from the inside out.

It was two special friends’ Birthdays this week. The friend I’ve known the longest, my bestie Terra. 28 years beautiful J Although I’m loving having my own space, I miss the Telford’s and my temporary home. I never really did tell them how much I appreciated their generosity and kindness by opening their home to me and letting me stay for almost 6 whole months. The kind of kindness you really can’t repay.  I miss being called Uncle Jess and having the pleasure of seeing my Godson more. I really do need to visit sooner rather than later.

This weekend we celebrated Carley’s Birthday in TO. It’s always good to see her and pretty much every time I see her, I think to myself, “how did I get so lucky to have this kind of a friend”?!  She’s the kind of friend everyone needs and should have in their life. She’s the friend that kicks you in the ASS when you need it. She’s the friend that tells you how it is even when you don’t wanna hear it. She’s the friend that challenges you to think about the stuff you barry away. She’s the friend that is simply a treat to have in your life. Oh and let’s not forget she’s the friend that will tear the boys a new asshole if she thinks they are at all mistreating you. Most importantly, she’s the friend where you feel like she makes a difference in your life and I make some sort of contribution to hers. I’m thankful our paths crossed at work, although, knowing the kind of stuff she knows about me and I know about her, I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing we don’t work together anymore. lol. She’s the prime example that  friendship isn’t about who’ve you known the longest but rather who came and never left your side. We’ve had our fair share of heartbreaks, boys letting us down and I think that’s what’s really brought us together even more. One day the RIGHT man will realize the amazing person and friend she is and never wanna let her go. <3

Friday was Remembrance Day. Leading up to 11.11.11. I can’t help but think about my Grandpa, an accomplished Veteran and survivor of WWII.  It’s not something that is or was spoken about much in our family.  His medals hung in the family home but I never did hear of my Grandpa speak of the war and “those times”. His lack of storytelling was not surprising, he was a quiet man. A man of few words. A man of great warmth that was infectious.  And a gentle man.  A man that would flirt with the ladies in the hardware store. He really was the kind of Grandpa and man you wish everyone could have in their family or have the pleasure of knowing. Obviously Remembrance Day is a day we’re all familiar with but when you have someone in your immediate family who had endured such life experience as being a soldier, it makes you appreciate their service to our country all that more. My Grandpa lost his Brother in WWII and is buried in France. I’m sure that has a lot to do with why we never really heard stories about the war, it was likely just too painful. I can’t imagine.  Although his Brother was not all that lucky of escaping tragedy, my Grandpa did…. And blessed we were to have him part of our family as long as we did. 96 years. In the past I’ve just thrown my poppy out or it’s fallen off my coat and disappeared but this year after watching the Remembrance Day service on TV I thought I would save it and pay a special visit to my Grandpa.  On my way home from my Carley’s in Toronto I stopped in at the cemetery. This was the first time I’ve been back to the cemetery to pay my respects since we gathered on that sad summer day to watch his body lowered into the ground. Before his casket was lowered we all took poppies and pinned them on the flowers that adorned his casket. Today I returned for the first time since that sad day to pay respects and to pin yet another poppy on the wreath that sits in front of his stone.  Dear Grandpa, thank you for blessing our family with your warmth and your service to our Country. You are never forgotten. 

On a happy note, I’ve started a kitchen project. I’m creating a personalized little message centre on a small piece of wall in my Kitchen. 3 coats of magnetic paint and then chalkboard paint will be going on top tomorrow. When it’s all done, I will post pics. This project makes me happy for a number of reasons:

- I’m accomplishing things on my to-do list

- Realizing that I can paint and I DON’T need men to help me do everything, afterall I’m a big girl! Which makes me feel all that more independent. In the past, my idea of painting was picking out a colour, leaving for a day and coming back and all the messy tedious work is done for me.

- Putting some personality into my Kitchen and marking my territory on my home

Things I’m looking forward to this week coming:

- A family photo shoot Saturday (first paid shoot YAY – cross your fingers for good weather)

- Having some photos to edit (editing photos that aren’t of me, will be a nice treat)

- Finishing my kitchen project

- Getting my new Blue Ray player (with Wi-Fi)

I’m finding it important for me to recap at the beginning/end of a week the good things that have happened and the good things I’m looking forward to (as small as they are). I’m a person who needs things to look forward to. Plain and simple.

For now I’ll leave you with some photos from my visit this afternoon:

-J-

Projects, Canons & Whispers

I’ve been stuck for a few weeks now, feeling a little bit uninspired about things to write about. It’s not that things haven’t happened or I haven’t wanted to write it, it’s that I’ve been keeping myself busy with projects. What I’ve known about myself for a while, but am realizing more and more is that projects are my outlet.  Projects are my escape from reality for a while and a place where I can go to create and focus my energies. It’s also my way of procrastinating. It’s funny when I have a project how all of a sudden its not so important to get my laundry done lol.  I’m naturally a scatter brain, can’t focus on much but for some reason when you put a camera in my hand, or a blender, or an empty box to turn into a treasure for someone, I naturally give everything and temporarily loose myself. Although on the outside I’m sure it looks like I like to take a lot of pictures of myself, the truth is what I REALLY enjoy the most is creating things for other people. To see their face at the reveal of whatever it is I’ve made OR to put a smile on someone’s face. I think that’s one of the reasons I would love to be a photographer by trade, is to be creative, have projects, create art for other people that makes others happy.  I actually feel kinda lost when I don’t have that outlet or haven’t created or made anything in a while.

Although lots of mini projects are getting done, at the moment I’m sad about a few things. I’m mostly sad because I made a promise to myself in the summer that I will buy my first SLR professional camera by the end of the calendar year and before 2012 hits. I really don’t think I’m going to be able to scrounge together the change. L*big sad face* It breaks my little photographic heart to pieces but I just don’t know what else to do. I’m just not sure I’m willing to go into debt; I would like to try my best to save for it.

The fall season is crazy, everywhere I drive I see pictures in my head and art I want to capture. it’s the dull colours, the way the light hits field on my drive home from work, and all those fuffy things in the ditches everywhere. Fall certainly has the most amazing textures and certainly makes me wish I had my Canon right now. The time that I could waste just shooting bare trees and fluffy things in the ditch. Maybe they’ll be some boxing week sales on Canons? Here's to hoping.

November is and will likely be a VERY emotionally rough month. I wish some days and dates would vanish from your memory forever. I’d love to make new happy memories for November some day, but for now I hope it goes by fast.  There are too many reasons why I hate November that I will try not to dwell on.

I’ve been watching a lot of O.W.N. (Oprah Winfrey Network) and her new show. Oprah was talking about your inner voice and paying attention in your life. Something really resonated with me. It’s so true, life speaks to you in a whisper first. How many times have we felt that gut feeling and ignored it or suppressed it deeper inside? Everyone does it all the time, from small things like "maybe I shouldn't speed up to run that yellow light", to relationships and cutting toxic people out of your life before it’s too late and something drastic happens.  I, like many people, have been guilty of ignoring that whisper at first. The problem when you ignore that whisper is that time will pass and then the next time the whisper turns into slap upside the head, the warning gets stronger. We ignore the slap and eventually the slap turns into a brick being dropped on your head. Sometimes, depending on what it is, you can’t afford to ignore the whispers, slaps and bricks just to say “hind sight is 20/20”. Oprah describes it as vibrational frequencies coming at you. It’s ultimately up to you to listen and trust them as warning signs. It’s your own internal security system trying to warn and protect you.

That’s what’s kinda funny about humans. We often give others the benefit of the doubt before ourselves.  If we listen to those whispers, inner instinct and trust ourselves we can possibly save ourselves a lot of grief down the road. It’s our job to pay attention in our own life. No one else’s.

I truly feel like if you don’t have time or money to go to a therapist you should watch Oprah, she really does have some amazing life coping skills that can apply to everyone’s life in some form or another. 

I'm going to end this post with a fall photo I took today on a drive out and about. Hopefully I can catch some more before the snow hits.

<><>

<3 Fall.

-J-

Numb

I've been trying to write a post and various different things happening in my life right now but for some reason I can't. It's partially written but I can't finish it for some reason. It's appears as though I’m numb to a lot around me at the moment. I still haven’t gone back to counseling I think it would be good for me but I haven’t done it yet, not too sure why I havn't picked up the phone to make the appointment either. The blah’s are certainly creeping in and it’s pretty earlier this year, it usually doesn’t hit until January. Maybe it’s time to start the vitamin D earlier than later this fall/winter. For now i'll leave this...
A song that has been getting me through days lately:

"Think Good Thoughts"COLBIE CAILLAT
I'm just gonna say it,
There's no using in delaying,
I'm tired of the angry hanging out inside me,

So I'll quiet down the devil,
I'm gonna knock him with a shovel,
And I'll burry all my troubles underneath the rubble

When I'm alone in my dark dark room,
I have to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na

I'm not saying that it's easy,
Especially when I'm moody,
I might be cursing like a sailor till I remind myself I'm better,

Cause words can be like weapons,
Oh and you use them, you regret them,
Oh but I'm not gonna let them take away my heaven

And when I start feeling blue,
I remember to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be

I just think rain on a summer night,
Stars filling up the sky,
Sunshining on my face,
Making a secret wish,
Finding my happiness,
That always makes me hold my head up high,
I wanna hold my head up high,

I wanna think good thoughts (Imagine what the world would be if we would just think good thoughts)
I wanna think good thoughts (wouldn't that be something?)
I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na 
-J-

Recap Before Turkey Day

Turkey weekend is around the cornor, and again I will ask myself, where the heck has time gone?

This past week (or so) in a nutshell...

I’ve spent a ton of money (sigh).  It’s also true I’ve sold a lot of things but I’ve spent a lot too. I got to get this more under control especially since I haven’t even had my first FULL mortgage payment and month of bills. I bought a new bed, new bedding, curtains, night stand, mirror for the bathroom, bar stool, I’m sure there are more but all of this has certainly added up. This is how I justify it to myself: I needed it all (maybe not all at once) but I can’t live in a blank slate, and that’s what it is to me really. I feel like I NEED to do everything at once including all furniture, paint, hanging the art, change out the light fixtures  and the list goes on and on. Like I mentioned in my last post I NEED to create more of a schedule of things I need , buy one or two things every pay cheque…I think that’s manageable.  It’s a work in progress but it already is slowly coming together which is simply rewarding. Home truly is where the heart is. Home should stand up and greet you and wrap its arms around you when you come home after a days work, or anytime you walk into the door. It should be the place to hide, and where you can just be. The good news is, it’s already partially all of those things. J
 
My open house has come and gone. Although not everyone came by it was nice to have some friends stop in and check out the new digs. I’ve sincerely appreciated all those people who have leant a hand in any way n helping put my new place together, from hanging curtain rods, pictures, installing dishwashers and microwave ranges to putting together light fixtures also those who came by to celebrate the new place it really does mean a lot. When family and friends live far away I find myself leaning on whoever will lend a hand so it’s nice to have some people near that I can utilize, not use, but utilize their skills and willingness to help.

I’ve been thinking about someone a lot lately. He’s a friend who’s leaving in just over a week for a special mission. He’ll be gone for a while and although we don’t exactly spend a ton of time together I will miss him dearly. I’m finding comfort in the fact that challenges are given to us for a reason and I’m hoping that our friendship will remain and possibly strengthen while he’s away. I like to think I have a fairly nurturing soul who is the comforter to those I care about and that’s obviously hard to do and when someone’s so far away.  I don’t really know what else to say or how to articulate other than my ALL my thoughts will be with him on mission day.
 
Tomorrow my cat comes home to Mama’s house.  I’ve not seen her since the end of March when I moved out of my old house.  That’s over 6 months. I worried she won’t remember who her Mama is and that she won’t adjust well to the transition. Animals are so much more than little fur balls, they are the ultimate companion.  Kitty is the Ex and I’s cat. She is being shared, a bit of split custody I guess you would call it. A lot of people, friends included,  laugh and think it’s the most ridiculous thing they’ve ever heard, but for now this is what works for us, and (fingers crossed) for kitty as well. She is a piece of comfort for me. A piece of the old life that doesn’t make me feel sick. Hopefully I can love her a little more than I have in past as I’ve been known to torment her, make her wear Christmas handkerchiefs and scare her so that her fur stands up on end. I can’t wait for the reunion.
 
 Oh counseling how I need you. It’s something I’ve found over the last year and half that I need. I’ve been in and out a few different times for many different issues and topics but lately I’ve had these urges to go back for a while, especially while it’s still free for me. There’s a lot on my mind, mostly issues with trusting myself and not questioning EVERYTHING as well as addressing and understanding some of the reasons why I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable.  My counselor has a way (like most good ones) of grounding me and helping me process and breakdown big things into smaller more manageable things. I feel like I’m stressed but don’t know what I’m stressed about, so I’m hoping she can help reveal what the heck is going on.

-J-

A New Place to Write

Yup it appears as though I’m in Starbucks again. This time it's a brand new location that I can stock and become a regular at. It’s the only place I seem to be able to get away from the boxes and distractions of the new place and it seems as though I've created an expensive little writing environment for myself. The posts seems to be getting fewer and farther between and I’m not liking that one bit.  This past week was my birthday. Yup, it’s officially come and gone and only partially celebrated. I’m super lucky to be surrounded by lots of people who care about me even my coworkers made a big deal, which doesn’t happen for everyone at work, so yes I’m a lucky girl, and yes I like the attention. J 

The other part of my 27^Th Birthday will be celebrated this coming Saturday when I have an open house for friends and family to drop in and see the new place all put together (or mostly put together). After the open house a handful of my close friends and important peeps are staying to go out and tear it up somewhere. Should be a blast and I’m looking forward to it.
The place is coming along nice but maybe not as fast as I'd like. I think what I need to do to keep myself sane is make a list of all the things that I want to do in the near and far future, prioritize and budget for all these new things and projects that I want to do. I can see how it can easily add up in terms of time and money and I find that lists keep me under control SO that’s what I will do or try to anyways.

Yesterday my Mama bought me a new pots and pans set for my house warming present. I can finally buy groceries that require cooking! I’ve been eating sandwiches and cereal for the past week.  After the purchase my moms remarks “ You better not be moving for a long time cause these dam house warming presents..” blah blah blah. LoL. My first housewarming gift was a dinning set table and chairs for my last house so I guess I can sorta see her point. The first meal made was tacos second was a delicious eggs and bacon breakfast this morning which was yummy. Loving the new cookware. Now that I have the pots and pans and all the important things for the kitchen, I feel like I can organize the kitchen cupboards and drawers to my liking and find more permanent homes for things cause right now every drawer seems to be a junk drawer which is driving me around the bend. It’s funny how I organize my brain without even realizing it. I can’t do this until that small thing happens or this specific new thing comes into the house. God forbid I organize everything and then have to change the plan to make room for the new stuff coming in, that would be a nervous breakdown waiting to happen. Maybe not a nervous breakdown but it could seriously throw a day off that’s for dang sure.

Tomorrow is the trip to IKEA. YAY. Me excited. New bed is definitely coming home so long as everything goes according to plan. Cross your fingers. I’m tired of feeling like a college student sleeping on a mattress on the floor. It's time for sophistication again.

More than ever music seems to be keeping me alive these days. I seriously depend on it for a lot more than I give it credit for. I always knew I was a musical person but more than ever I need music for lots of things to get me by. Music without a doubt has certainly replaced TV for me. I’m finding that I don't have the attention span to watch anything these days especially over this past year. Even my favourite shows that I couldn’t live without I can’t be bothered to watch. It’s quite sad really. Or is it? At this current moment  I’m listening to music that I found from a local KW artist (Sam Heaton) last fall around end of November. She was my November/December artist from last year that I played out over and over which was actually quite easy considering she only currently has 3 songs available online. Her voice brings me back to this fresh new start and time in my life and that’s what I associate her voice and music with. I like being brought back to that specific time. I’ve also recently realized a trend with how I listen and use music in my life. I find a new favourite song download it (actually pay for it) and will listen to it for a week nonstop including getting ready in the morning, on the way to work, on the way home, and then by the end of the week I’ve had enough and have usually found another song to consume my life. I’m fairly certain my neighbours have heard me signing at the top of my lungs especially since things still echo a bit in the new place which by the way, I love.  I’m also certain my neighbours have got a glimpse of me on the toilet as well as getting dressed. The need for blinds in my room is getting more increasingly important. 

After reading a quote about forgiveness a couple weeks back it's certainly got me thinking and asking myself some important questions.

"Forgiveness is NOT something we do for other people.

We do it for ourselves, to get better and to move on."

As time goes on I’ve given myself permission to entertain this idea of forgiving people who have hurt and somewhat changed the person I am today. Forgiving doesn’t mean that I won’t recognize and hold you accountable for the wrong things you may have done but more or less forgiveness is about and for me, myself and I. 

-J-

The Move

I’m well aware this is an overdue post as a couple people have been reminding me.  I’ve been making some mental notes of things I want to write about over this past week but I just haven’t found the time to sit down and hammer it out, SO I hope I can capture and remember everything I want to talk about. It’s hard for me to write and focus on something when stuff has hit the fan (literally), it feels like I should be doing anything BUT writing.

So the BIG move day has come and gone and I’m now starting to get nestled into condo life. It’s quite difficult I might add, exciting, but difficult and I’ll touch on the difficulties a little later.  I’m going to break the week up into the following:

Key Day (Wednesday)…
The night before I got my keys I went to Starbucks in a writing mood to capture the excitement and all the emotions bottled up into what the next day (Sept. 14^th) meant to me and how significant it was but when I tried to write nothing would come out so I didn’t force it.  The move spanned over 4 days and that was strategically done to slowly phase in the new life and phase out the old and I think it worked quite well. Too much at once overwhelms me and I get frustrated and emotional breakdowns are more prominent. More than ever what this move and transition into my new life has shown me is how fortunate I am for friends. I’m so thankful for all those who came together to pitch in where they could and help me move in. Although the day I got my keys wasn’t exactly what I hoped, it ended up being perfect. After a last minute change of plans I ended up sharing the day with a friend and his red pick-up truck. He’s exactly what I needed for the day. I needed a friendly face, someone who didn’t mind doing a little work and someone that could help me keep the stress low. We got a great head start on moving stuff from storage into the new pad which made me feel like I utilized the day appropriately especially since I had the time off for this big event. At the end of the day when I was reflecting what I realized was that he has an amazing way about him  that puts me at ease so naturally without even  trying and without me even realizing. He inspires me. He’s passionate about lots including striving to become the man he wants and that moves me. I could write a whole post on how me inspires me but I’ll save it for another time.

Thursday…
Furniture came and the stress goes through the roof. It’s not at all the way I pictured it would be in my head. The living room area is much smaller than I anticipated during the summer when I was picking out the couch. Note to self, NEVER pick out furniture before you see the space in person.  I was worried that my space wasn’t ever going to be the way I hoped and envisioned. This was also the first night that I slept in my new bed in my new place and it was certainly weird to say the least. It didn’t feel right; in fact it still doesn’t quite feel right. It doesn’t feel like my home yet, I’m sure it will come as I make it more personalized as my space and make my own memories here.  What I will say is that it’s nice to have a lot of new things and furniture in a new place as it really does feel fresher when everything is new. Tomorrow the smaller version of my new couch comes and I’m looking forward to getting the living room situation straightened out, its starting to get under my skin a little not seeing it come together fast enough for my liking. I have little patience; this is and will likely be a character flaw of mine that I will have to work on for the rest of my existence. I have patience with other people more than I do myself and then my lack of patience ends up coming out on the closest people around me which is not a good thing, but the good part is that I’m aware. Aware of my short comings and areas in which I can improve myself and this is the important part.

Friday...
Friday was about unpacking and trying to find places for things which I will add is still in the works and will be for a while as condo life is much smaller than normal life and I can see simplifying and condensing is in the NEAR future. Less things, more life is the motto I hope to live by. I really don’t need over 15 bath towels. What is really strange about unpacking for me is that as I unpack a box it has things that were new to me at some point when I lived in my old house. It’s a picture that use to hang in the old living room which sparks a specific thought or memory. As much as I try to hide and run from the past it always finds a way to knock me on my ass from time to time. I guess that’s why I like new things so much, it doesn’t come with the baggage and it’s completely neutral.

Saturday…
Saturday we finished moving the remaining boxes from storage. For the most part all my belongings are now under this new roof. Saturday was a very productive day. Things got hung, new lights got put up, TV’s got plugged in and things got put in cupboards. Progress makes me happy and keeps momentum for me which also keeps me in a positive mindset and mood. Big check mark for this day.

Sunday…
Was low key, I did the first grocery shop. I’m happy to report only cost me $67, but mostly because I only got the staples to get me through the week. It feels good to buy real food and have real food in your fridge. I can’t wait to cook my first meal when I get my new pots and pans from my mom this Saturday. The first real meal will definitely call for a bottle of wine, as I’m quite looking forward to.  As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I miss cooking and miss cooking for more than just myself. I wonder who will be my first dinner guest? I think I should start taking reservations!

That brings me to today, Monday…
A couple more things got accomplished tonight and that’s about it. Relaxing in bed while writing this and it feels good.

-J-

September, Reminiscing and Balance.

As I write this I’m sitting in Starbucks in my normal seat where I’ve actually wrote a good 90% of all my blog posts to date.  I quite enjoy it here.  It’s a place to write and surf while watching interesting characters come and go. For some reason I feel like I can get more accomplished while sitting in public which I actually didn’t realize this about myself until recently. I think Starbucks might be my compromise between being secluded while having alone time and feeling like I’m somewhat interacting in public. I normally bring my earphones and listen to my music, but for some reason I forgot them today which sort of forces me to eavesdrop on others’ conversations around me. I got two eyes on my screen and one ear listening to a convo on my right that two young 20 something year old girls are having about planning a wedding and on my left is a couple talking about the first day back to work and school, I’m gonna assume she’s a teacher. People’s lives are interesting to me. How diverse they are. How unique everyone really is yet were sitting under the same roof.  

The Labour Day long weekend has come and gone, and today is the first day of school for many and I’m actually quite jealous. Not jealous of the homework, sitting in class bored out of your skull or waking up early but more or less jealous of how this day for many marks the start of so many new things and fresh starts.  Back to school also means its September. Oh how I love September and the season of fall. The crisper weather is here and that was surely evident this past weekend and today.  I think I even spotted some sprinkles of fall colours on the trees. Don’t get me wrong I love the summer weather, sundresses, flip flops, driving with the windows down, no jackets, the cottage and the lists goes on and on…but there’s something about September and fall that gets me excited. Yes, it signifies the end of summer and that’s kinda sad, but for me it also feels like the start of a ‘New Year’ as well (even when you aren’t a student).

For me September has always been the feeling of starting fresh, very similar to New Years. Even though it has been 6 years since I’ve been out of school I still get sucked into these back to school promotions and I have this urge to have new things and to buy new things. I was the kid who would take pride in sharpening every new pencil crayon just so and arranging them perfectly in the new pencil case. Scoping out the new back-pack and all its compartments and planning where things were going to go inside and deciding which compartment was for what.  I was also the kid that started off the school year by making a promise to take neat notes, starting off the year with the best handwriting and then by the end of the month it was usually sloppy again. New notebooks and pads of paper were the best thing about new school supplies. Still to this day the smell of new books, magazines and paper in general reminds me of September.

September is also the Birthday month and I’m turning the big 2-7 which blows my mind. I have a brother who is going into his last year of high school which I really can’t process quite yet as it makes me feel old but also because I remember my last  year of high school like it was honest to God yesterday. The hype of college choices, the hype of deciding what you want to do with the rest of your life and the excitement of being at the top of the school food chain. Oh how I miss the drama of high school! Looking back I find it funny the kinds of things that use to consume your life when you’re a teen only to find out years later it really isn’t a big deal that some girl hooked up with your high school crush over the summer.  If I only knew that these trivial things would virtually have zero impact on REAL life that starts once you leave the microcosm of high school.  Side note, I’ve just realized that all my crushes over the years, including boyfriends for the most part have worn glasses – for some reason I find that interesting, I wonder what that means?!

This past week I got my first paid photography job. It’s just family portraits and I’m not charging very much but I’m excited that someone thinks my work is worth paying for. This really excites me and feeds the motivation. This past week I’ve even started to think about what it is I’m going to call this photography business . I have a few ideas bouncing around but nothing is really standing out to me. I’m sure it will come, but the significant thing is I’m starting to think about the steps involved in starting this little dream of mine and making it happen.

What has come to light for me this past week is this clever thing called BALANCE. The balance of living life while sifting through your dreams and deciding which ones you want to take seriously right now and which ones can afford to be shelved until the time is right. Balancing friendships and relationships of all kinds and balancing the social life while keeping time for yourself to stay grounded.

Balance

I think that’s all I got for now, but I do want to make note that the big day is 8 sleeps away. 8 sleeps until I get my keys to the new place. How will I capture that feeling of turning the key for the first time? I hope I can find time in the chaos of moving to reflect on the moment. I’ve always been worried about moments slipping by me and not remembering every important detail and truly appreciating the moment. I hope I can also find time to write here and capture the memories and feelings when they are fresh and vivid.

-J-

Love at First Sight & the Things I Can't Wait For

So I wanted to write a post last night after I saw the new place yesterday, but I was hung over (not literally) and exhausted. I could barley form a sentence by the end of the night. Adrenaline was so high for most of the day that I actually thought I was going to be sick on the drive over to meet the new place. When I finally came down, off the high and adrenaline settled down I felt like a hung over rag doll.

Let me introduce you to her…

She was born yesterday with all her fingers and toes. She’s quite tiny and Mama can’t have her quite yet (she’s still at the hospital having some minor work done). She is on the small side, just like a preemie baby. Good things can come in small packages. She’s truly beautiful in my eyes and purdy! And it makes me really upset when people say negative things about her. She sparkles and shines and the new smell is SO amazing. I miss that new house smell so so much.

When I opened the door and walked in, my eyes lit up, I gasped and then let out a squeal. She looked amazing. To see all the things you picked out, the colours and materials all come together. It was quite the reveal. I love her.

Side note, someone asked me why the new place is a “she” and not a “he”. My answer is simple, SHE is WAY too pretty to be male. Yes, the colours aren’t really “she” colours, but she sparkles and shimmers (especially the back splash) just like a girl. Also, she isn’t a fixer up’er…and let’s face it, most boys/men need some work. Right ladies? And because she is new, that means she doesn’t come with a whole lot of baggage the way boys so often do. SO that’s why it’s a girl! Can you say sexist?

It took me forever to leave the new place yesterday. Even after the inspector left I pretended to leave with him, then got back out of the car and went back in to take it all in again (and take a video). This is my own history in the making and it feels amazing. I feel like an 18 year old going off to college to live on her own for the first time, in her own place. Although I’ve been living independently since I was 16, this is the first time I will believing completely on MY OWN. No family, no boys and no friends. Just me, myself and I. Most people have experienced living on their own by now, but I have not, which is why I think this makes it so much more important and different for me.

Some of the things I can’t wait for in the new place…(In no particular order)

- to celebrate my birthday
- to have visitors that I can buzz in the front door
- to see my new furniture selections be delivered and installed
- to have friends over
- to COOK meals again, for myself and for others
- to have a bath in my new tub
- to do the first grocery shop and fill a brand new fridge
- to sit on my covered porch and watch a storm
- to snuggle on my porch / to snuggle on my new couch / to snuggle in my new Queenie
- to get my first bunch of flyers
- to do the first batch of dishes and laundry in the new facilities
- to have my open house
- to eventually “break in “all the new things about my place
- to experience Christmas and the decorations in my new place
- to organize and find places and homes for everything
- to have many many more reasons to make trips to IKEA
- to see kitty and bring her home to Mama’s house and watch her explore her new home
- to meet my neighbours... maybe there will be some eye candy? Maybe we can all leave our doors open like they do in college dorms? Maybe? ;)
- to paint and put things on the walls
- to get into some sort of a routine again
- to say “welcome to MY home" to the new visitors that will stop by
... there’s lots more, but mostly to live and just be!

You would think that after almost 27 years you would know yourself, but the truth is I think I'm still discovering so much about this Jessica person. My biggest discovery in the past couple weeks has been finding out that maybe I'm not a good multi-tasker after all? Maybe once in a while I can be, but I think it's a rare occasion. I figured out that when I'm in a store and I'm texting I stop dead in my tracks as I can't seem to figure out how to text something and walk at the same time, or even read a text and walk at the same time. I’ve now realized I'm very much a one project or one vision type of person. Once one major thing is done and complete then another can begin. It’s a bit of tunnel vision. I like to be focused on one thing at a time and let it consume me, live it, breath it and own it. Whenever I feel like it’s done and complete that's when I can put focus elsewhere and start something new. With the move so close, I'm really excited to move my focus elsewhere and let the next chapter begin.

Getting the keys on September 14th will be a feeling I hope I can remember forever. Now that I have this blog I can document it and look back, and that makes me smile.

Excited Doodle From My Agenda

-J-

A Mix of First Date & Preggers

Tomorrow we meet. Tomorrow I’m greeted with “the place”.  The place I’ll settle. The place in which I’ll try my darndest to build something for myself.  It’s quite emotional really. My stomach is in knots. I’m excited, nervous and anxious.  This is the first time I’m seeing  it or “her” I should say.  She will be completely done, the way I picked out. To be honest, the build up feels like a first date you’ve been waiting forever for. You want to like it but let's get real, it has no choice but to love you.  I have no clue how I’m going to make it through the morning at work. It will be difficult to say the least.

Lately this is all I’ve been talking about. The place. Coworkers, friends, family they’re all asking me when the big move is.  Asking me if I’m excited, if I’m looking forward to the move and counting down the days with me.  It’s nuts, this is what pregnant people must feel like. For all intensive purposes, I have sorta been nurturing the new place in the whom.  Watching it grow and develop including getting prepared by buying things for it and stocking up. She’s gonna be beautiful. She’s a product of her mama after all, she can’t go wrong. This can’t go wrong. 

Over the course of the summer I’ve had to go to the storage unit to retrieve things and put some new things in there. People always say that things are just things, and you really have no idea how true that is until 5 years of your life and “home” is packed into storage unit. It really is merely JUST things. Yes these things have memories and in some cases you worked hard for them but it’s just things at the end of the day and in most circumstances they can all be replaced. People truly value things too much in this day and age (including myself).  People are the things that can’t be replaced, things can be.

So tomorrow when we meet, i'll promise to love her, take care of her and fill her with love and memories.

I’ll leave it at that for now, as I hope to post and update tomorrow after we meet and fall in love. It really is like a love story.

-J-

Be Home Soon

Last week I was on holidays at the cottage. The cottage is and always has been a place of fun, relaxation, healing and rejuvenation. It was nice to be able to take some time off with a friend and have some lovelies join us for parts of the week as well. It’s kind of what I needed before the hectic craziness of moving starts to creep in. The day is getting closer and closer and I’m starting to freak out a bit. OK freak out A LOT.

First off, I CAN NOT even comprehend where the time has gone. Time has always been strange to me. Everything about time really. Things that seem like big deals in the moment, really aren’t big deals at all when looking back. In the moment you think it’s not going to work out and you get yourself all worked up about whatever is going on and 9 months later is really isn’t a big deal after all. I suppose everything really is eventual.

e·ven·tu·al [ih-ven-choo-uhl] adjective

1. happening at some indefinite future time or after a series of occurrences.
2. depending upon uncertain events; contingent.

Roughly ¾’s of a year have come and gone since the beginning of January when I put my old house on the market and shed that part of my life to where I currently sit now being a mere 20 days out from getting the keys to the new place. Where has time gone? More importantly other than sitting around and wishing the time by, what have I accomplished? Well yes, I found a place to live and bought some furniture, but that’s about it. I hoped and wished the time to go by fast, and I think I got my wish. It’s the only summer I’ve really wanted to go fast. 

Now a new set of stresses are setting in. I’m freaking out about finances. Will I have enough money to live comfortably? Will I have enough savings to cover all the legal fees and extra things that seem to be popping up? Will I have enough money to furnish and decorate the way I want? These worries seems crazy but the fact is I’m totally alone if I financially fall on my face. That is not a good feeling. I have no one to supplement the household income (like in the past), I have no one to make sure all the things of owning a home get taken care of… it’s all me. Crazy scary. If I force myself to look at the glass half full, I guess I am sorta blessed to be able to embark on this new chapter of my life and learn some more valuable life skills and independence.

I’m such a strange creature (I’m sure lots of people I know would agree with this statement). Sometimes I can’t figure myself out.  I stress about the new shifts in my life as they are approaching or in full swing, and then when I’m in the waiting period leading up to the new shifts I want them to hurry up, just to start stressing all over again. What the heck is with this trend? Surely I’m not the only strange creature out there. Strange creature needs to meet calm creature very soon or I’m gonna need some kind of prescription.

The last time I moved into a new home, I was in such a different place then right now, which I’m sure is part of the stress that’s sneaking up on me.

Last time I moved …

…I was in love.

…I was dependant on someone.

…I was very young and inexperienced.

…I was hopeful.

…I was naive.

This time around …

…I’m a little tainted

…I’m independent

…I’m 6 more years wiser

…I’m a lot more cautious

…I’m a lot more cynical

The part I’m most scared of after I move in is the “WHAT’S NEXT” feeling. I’ve been chasing this “WHAT’S NEXT” feeling my whole life. After I unpack the boxes, paint, furnish, decorate and make it the way I want (which by the way, won’t take me very long) what will I do next? After all the projects are complete, what will the next projects in my life be? Not career wise, not photography wise, but what comes next? Live life? …. But how? How does that look like for me living on my own? I’m really not sure I can begin to start to answer my own questions. What I’m certain it will be, is a journey. I can only hope it’s a good one with a nice ride along the way, some pretty scenery and some company wouldn’t hurt either.

-J-

What You Shouldn't Do on the Beach

This week I've been on holidays at the cottage enjoying the beach and getting a little sun kissed. The weather has been perfect and so far I couldn't ask for better. While at the beach it's come to my attention that there needs to be come sort of beach etiquette. I'm sure I'm not the only one who notices these ungodly behaviours on the beach, so I've decided to make a list of all the things that really shouldn't be done at the beach.

Top 10 Things You Shouldn't Do on The Beach(These are more or less my pet peeves)

1. People who have no concept of personal space. Seriously there's a whole beach, why must you decide to invade my space and park your towel so close to mine? Seriously people! Find your own patch of good sand.

2. Sometimes BIGGER is NOT BETTER. families on the beach who feel the need to over compensate and bring the world's largest rubber dingy blow up toys ....... Come on people is it really that necessary? What happened to the little two seater blow up boats? Apparently everyone is buying their beach toys at Costco these days.

3. String bikinis and banana hammocks. Enough said. They need to be banished. In fact I sincerely think that there needs to be a license to wear scandals swim wear and attire. You need to pass some sort of body criteria otherwise you should be fined. It's  gross and the public DOES NOT need to see rolls of cottage cheese. Wear something appropriate for your body type. After all, this a family affair and my eyes are sensitive!

 

4. Since when did the beach become a camp ground? Why must people bring their camping tents and shelters to the beach and block the view? It's a hideous sight to say the least. I might be just going a bit over board here but if you need shade people, use a beach umbrella. That makes more sense to me. Use several if you have to. The worst is when you find your little piece of sandy heaven, unload your things, get set-up and in relax mode when the Gosh dang family reunion comes along and parks themselves directly in front of you. The view is ruined. Not cool.

5. If your going to throw the football, frisbee or anything for that matter that flies through the air please do so at the back of the beach where no one is around you. Getting a frisbee chucked at your back or head is really a pain. Literally. Let's have some respect.

6. The beach is not your backyard, so please don't litter. That's what garbage cans are for, let's not be lazy bastards. Spotting dirty band aids and cigarette buts makes me wanna throw up. Did you know that cigarette buts can take up to 10 years to biodegrade? That's 10 years of kids, and people playing the sand where they have to dig up evidence of your disgusting habit. *puke*

7. Why must people feed the seagulls? Too many times have I witnessed people feeding the birds and then they take off and leave the closest people seating around them with a flock of bids hovering over. Personally, I would prefer to to not have to sit on the beach with my towel of my head in fear of getting shit on. Seagulls are not meant to eat potato chips and french fries, that's why they are way too over sized these days.

8. Listen parents, please keep your kids under wraps.  Just because they are little doesn't mean you shouldn't teach them to not throw sand. Getting a mouth full of dirty sand whipped at your face is definitely not fun. Also, to those people who like to shake out their towels right in front of you, before you get the urge it might be considerate to think about which way the wind is blowing. Sand in the face is not my idea of a vacation. Please go out of the way or down to the water and shake out your sandy towels out. Much appreciated.

 

9. Bush whackers. Please groom yourself before coming to the beach. Bathing suits can be small and I (along with the rest of the beach) don't need to see your pubics crawling out the side of your bathing suit and flapping in the wind. Plain gross.

10. This is more of a tip to save yourself from embarrassment:
*Remember to adjust your bathing suit before coming out and above the water. Waves can be cruel and sometimes body parts can accidentally become exposed. Do the check and adjust, it will save you some weird stares.