Numb

I've been trying to write a post and various different things happening in my life right now but for some reason I can't. It's partially written but I can't finish it for some reason. It's appears as though I’m numb to a lot around me at the moment. I still haven’t gone back to counseling I think it would be good for me but I haven’t done it yet, not too sure why I havn't picked up the phone to make the appointment either. The blah’s are certainly creeping in and it’s pretty earlier this year, it usually doesn’t hit until January. Maybe it’s time to start the vitamin D earlier than later this fall/winter. For now i'll leave this...
A song that has been getting me through days lately:

"Think Good Thoughts"COLBIE CAILLAT
I'm just gonna say it,
There's no using in delaying,
I'm tired of the angry hanging out inside me,

So I'll quiet down the devil,
I'm gonna knock him with a shovel,
And I'll burry all my troubles underneath the rubble

When I'm alone in my dark dark room,
I have to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na

I'm not saying that it's easy,
Especially when I'm moody,
I might be cursing like a sailor till I remind myself I'm better,

Cause words can be like weapons,
Oh and you use them, you regret them,
Oh but I'm not gonna let them take away my heaven

And when I start feeling blue,
I remember to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be

I just think rain on a summer night,
Stars filling up the sky,
Sunshining on my face,
Making a secret wish,
Finding my happiness,
That always makes me hold my head up high,
I wanna hold my head up high,

I wanna think good thoughts (Imagine what the world would be if we would just think good thoughts)
I wanna think good thoughts (wouldn't that be something?)
I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na 
-J-

Recap Before Turkey Day

Turkey weekend is around the cornor, and again I will ask myself, where the heck has time gone?

This past week (or so) in a nutshell...

I’ve spent a ton of money (sigh).  It’s also true I’ve sold a lot of things but I’ve spent a lot too. I got to get this more under control especially since I haven’t even had my first FULL mortgage payment and month of bills. I bought a new bed, new bedding, curtains, night stand, mirror for the bathroom, bar stool, I’m sure there are more but all of this has certainly added up. This is how I justify it to myself: I needed it all (maybe not all at once) but I can’t live in a blank slate, and that’s what it is to me really. I feel like I NEED to do everything at once including all furniture, paint, hanging the art, change out the light fixtures  and the list goes on and on. Like I mentioned in my last post I NEED to create more of a schedule of things I need , buy one or two things every pay cheque…I think that’s manageable.  It’s a work in progress but it already is slowly coming together which is simply rewarding. Home truly is where the heart is. Home should stand up and greet you and wrap its arms around you when you come home after a days work, or anytime you walk into the door. It should be the place to hide, and where you can just be. The good news is, it’s already partially all of those things. J
 
My open house has come and gone. Although not everyone came by it was nice to have some friends stop in and check out the new digs. I’ve sincerely appreciated all those people who have leant a hand in any way n helping put my new place together, from hanging curtain rods, pictures, installing dishwashers and microwave ranges to putting together light fixtures also those who came by to celebrate the new place it really does mean a lot. When family and friends live far away I find myself leaning on whoever will lend a hand so it’s nice to have some people near that I can utilize, not use, but utilize their skills and willingness to help.

I’ve been thinking about someone a lot lately. He’s a friend who’s leaving in just over a week for a special mission. He’ll be gone for a while and although we don’t exactly spend a ton of time together I will miss him dearly. I’m finding comfort in the fact that challenges are given to us for a reason and I’m hoping that our friendship will remain and possibly strengthen while he’s away. I like to think I have a fairly nurturing soul who is the comforter to those I care about and that’s obviously hard to do and when someone’s so far away.  I don’t really know what else to say or how to articulate other than my ALL my thoughts will be with him on mission day.
 
Tomorrow my cat comes home to Mama’s house.  I’ve not seen her since the end of March when I moved out of my old house.  That’s over 6 months. I worried she won’t remember who her Mama is and that she won’t adjust well to the transition. Animals are so much more than little fur balls, they are the ultimate companion.  Kitty is the Ex and I’s cat. She is being shared, a bit of split custody I guess you would call it. A lot of people, friends included,  laugh and think it’s the most ridiculous thing they’ve ever heard, but for now this is what works for us, and (fingers crossed) for kitty as well. She is a piece of comfort for me. A piece of the old life that doesn’t make me feel sick. Hopefully I can love her a little more than I have in past as I’ve been known to torment her, make her wear Christmas handkerchiefs and scare her so that her fur stands up on end. I can’t wait for the reunion.
 
 Oh counseling how I need you. It’s something I’ve found over the last year and half that I need. I’ve been in and out a few different times for many different issues and topics but lately I’ve had these urges to go back for a while, especially while it’s still free for me. There’s a lot on my mind, mostly issues with trusting myself and not questioning EVERYTHING as well as addressing and understanding some of the reasons why I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable.  My counselor has a way (like most good ones) of grounding me and helping me process and breakdown big things into smaller more manageable things. I feel like I’m stressed but don’t know what I’m stressed about, so I’m hoping she can help reveal what the heck is going on.

-J-