You Will...

Shit's getting done. The first paid photo shoot is done. Hallelujah. Editing is taking place. I met a family a couple years ago through Kijiji when I was out of a job and wanting to do some photography projects to keep busy. I photographed her family at the park  and she loved the photos I took for them. About a month ago she contacted me again and wanted to know if I was still taking photos. OF COURSE I’M STILL TAKING PHOTOS, it’s in my blood. My confession: I kinda lied. I told her that I now charge to take photos (I’ve never charged anyone). She agreed to my price like it was nothing, flattering really.  We met again last weekend and it was really nice to see how much her twin girls have grown.  I wish I could have had them stay a bit longer to get some more shots, but kids really don’t have the attention span an inspiring photographer needs. Overall I’m happy, and I think it might be a start. I’m thinking of posting another add on Kijiji soon to do some more things for strangers, make some more connections. It’s great creative expression for me to work on photos. It gives me the outlet I need. Here are just a few photos from last weekend family shoot:

Recently while cleaning up my computer I came across my “counseling folder”.  A folder in which houses a variety of old notes, and writing exercises my counselor has had me do over the last year and a half (I’ve not seen her in a while).  One of the exercises she had me write was “What’s Important to Me in a Partner”. A reflection of what it is that I value in a partner and what I feel I deserve. Life has a funny way of getting complicated, not to mention messy. When life happens things find a way of getting foggy. The list is just a visual reminder. It’s good to revisit when needed and remind yourself of the qualities in a person that are important to me. It’s been several months since I had read the list. Most things haven’t changed however there were some revisions made this week.

 You Will…

…have a smile that I’ll want to see every day, no matter what.
…make me a better person for knowing who you are and I’ll make you equally a better
    person as well.
…make me wonder, “Where have you been my whole life?”.
…make me feel like all the previous heartaches and breaks were so worth it.
…want to be invested in my life as much as I am in yours.
…be the person who I can count on to fix everything, or put an honest effort to try and fix,
    from the leaking toilet to me when I’ve had a bad day.
…inspire me to be the best person I know how to be.
…make me proud to hold your hand.
…make me count the days and hours when I can see you next.
…be genuine & authentic.
…never make me feel embarrassed to be your partner.
…spread love and light to those who know you, and even some who don’t.
…be the person I can’t stop talking about.
…leave a smile both on my face, and my heart.
…be considerate of others.
…have compassion.
…be someone who compliments my life and personality.
…have a soft heart & kind soul.
…be quirky and make me laugh.
…know just what to say on bad days to comfort me.
…be the kind of man who values honesty and integrity.
…be the man that will make just cuddling feel like it’s the most intimate experience ever.
…give me butterflies even after years of being together.
…be a man who never gives up and loses sight of WHAT and WHO is important in your life.
…be LOYAL.
…be someone who makes me feel like the only girl in the world.
…be a man who isn’t afraid to cry in front of me and who makes me comfortable enough that 
    I can cry in front of him.
…be someone who stops and makes me think “how did I get SO lucky?”
…make me feel like forever isn’t long enough!
…hold my heart in your hands and treasure it likes it’s the best gift in the world.

 I have 7 days of vacation left and I’m craving a sunny holiday BIG TIME. I’ve been fairly fortunate, in the last year I’ve been away down south twice. … and the truth is I’d LOVE to make that three times. Trying to make myself realize I can’t have everything I want is tough. I wanna smell the salty ocean mixed with the smell of pina coladas and sun tan lotion. *sigh* not this year I suppose. One year I’d love to spend Christmas away, totally checked out of the craziness, leave December 23^rd and come back in the New Year. I’ve not done this yet, but maybe one day!? For now I guess I will make due with an Epsom salt bath, light my candle called “ocean breeze” and lather myself in coconut body butter… totally not the same effect but hey, what can I say, it’s a mini vacation on a budget!

-J-

Packages, Birthdays & Remembering

I’m starting to get back into the swing of things writing again or at least feeling like putting my thoughts down. Starbucks seems to be my sanctuary. Funny really, but I imagine that if I was one of those people who had to work from home that I would most likely have to come to Starbucks to get real work done. Distractions are just too much at home.

What a week, weekend and day.  

Thank heavens for a package landing in Arizona, it really changed my mood and lifted my spirits. I kind of really needed it to get there. My mood was dependant on it as sad as that is.  I’m super happy it was well received and appreciated. It made me smile from the inside out.

It was two special friends’ Birthdays this week. The friend I’ve known the longest, my bestie Terra. 28 years beautiful J Although I’m loving having my own space, I miss the Telford’s and my temporary home. I never really did tell them how much I appreciated their generosity and kindness by opening their home to me and letting me stay for almost 6 whole months. The kind of kindness you really can’t repay.  I miss being called Uncle Jess and having the pleasure of seeing my Godson more. I really do need to visit sooner rather than later.

This weekend we celebrated Carley’s Birthday in TO. It’s always good to see her and pretty much every time I see her, I think to myself, “how did I get so lucky to have this kind of a friend”?!  She’s the kind of friend everyone needs and should have in their life. She’s the friend that kicks you in the ASS when you need it. She’s the friend that tells you how it is even when you don’t wanna hear it. She’s the friend that challenges you to think about the stuff you barry away. She’s the friend that is simply a treat to have in your life. Oh and let’s not forget she’s the friend that will tear the boys a new asshole if she thinks they are at all mistreating you. Most importantly, she’s the friend where you feel like she makes a difference in your life and I make some sort of contribution to hers. I’m thankful our paths crossed at work, although, knowing the kind of stuff she knows about me and I know about her, I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing we don’t work together anymore. lol. She’s the prime example that  friendship isn’t about who’ve you known the longest but rather who came and never left your side. We’ve had our fair share of heartbreaks, boys letting us down and I think that’s what’s really brought us together even more. One day the RIGHT man will realize the amazing person and friend she is and never wanna let her go. <3

Friday was Remembrance Day. Leading up to 11.11.11. I can’t help but think about my Grandpa, an accomplished Veteran and survivor of WWII.  It’s not something that is or was spoken about much in our family.  His medals hung in the family home but I never did hear of my Grandpa speak of the war and “those times”. His lack of storytelling was not surprising, he was a quiet man. A man of few words. A man of great warmth that was infectious.  And a gentle man.  A man that would flirt with the ladies in the hardware store. He really was the kind of Grandpa and man you wish everyone could have in their family or have the pleasure of knowing. Obviously Remembrance Day is a day we’re all familiar with but when you have someone in your immediate family who had endured such life experience as being a soldier, it makes you appreciate their service to our country all that more. My Grandpa lost his Brother in WWII and is buried in France. I’m sure that has a lot to do with why we never really heard stories about the war, it was likely just too painful. I can’t imagine.  Although his Brother was not all that lucky of escaping tragedy, my Grandpa did…. And blessed we were to have him part of our family as long as we did. 96 years. In the past I’ve just thrown my poppy out or it’s fallen off my coat and disappeared but this year after watching the Remembrance Day service on TV I thought I would save it and pay a special visit to my Grandpa.  On my way home from my Carley’s in Toronto I stopped in at the cemetery. This was the first time I’ve been back to the cemetery to pay my respects since we gathered on that sad summer day to watch his body lowered into the ground. Before his casket was lowered we all took poppies and pinned them on the flowers that adorned his casket. Today I returned for the first time since that sad day to pay respects and to pin yet another poppy on the wreath that sits in front of his stone.  Dear Grandpa, thank you for blessing our family with your warmth and your service to our Country. You are never forgotten. 

On a happy note, I’ve started a kitchen project. I’m creating a personalized little message centre on a small piece of wall in my Kitchen. 3 coats of magnetic paint and then chalkboard paint will be going on top tomorrow. When it’s all done, I will post pics. This project makes me happy for a number of reasons:

- I’m accomplishing things on my to-do list

- Realizing that I can paint and I DON’T need men to help me do everything, afterall I’m a big girl! Which makes me feel all that more independent. In the past, my idea of painting was picking out a colour, leaving for a day and coming back and all the messy tedious work is done for me.

- Putting some personality into my Kitchen and marking my territory on my home

Things I’m looking forward to this week coming:

- A family photo shoot Saturday (first paid shoot YAY – cross your fingers for good weather)

- Having some photos to edit (editing photos that aren’t of me, will be a nice treat)

- Finishing my kitchen project

- Getting my new Blue Ray player (with Wi-Fi)

I’m finding it important for me to recap at the beginning/end of a week the good things that have happened and the good things I’m looking forward to (as small as they are). I’m a person who needs things to look forward to. Plain and simple.

For now I’ll leave you with some photos from my visit this afternoon:

-J-

Projects, Canons & Whispers

I’ve been stuck for a few weeks now, feeling a little bit uninspired about things to write about. It’s not that things haven’t happened or I haven’t wanted to write it, it’s that I’ve been keeping myself busy with projects. What I’ve known about myself for a while, but am realizing more and more is that projects are my outlet.  Projects are my escape from reality for a while and a place where I can go to create and focus my energies. It’s also my way of procrastinating. It’s funny when I have a project how all of a sudden its not so important to get my laundry done lol.  I’m naturally a scatter brain, can’t focus on much but for some reason when you put a camera in my hand, or a blender, or an empty box to turn into a treasure for someone, I naturally give everything and temporarily loose myself. Although on the outside I’m sure it looks like I like to take a lot of pictures of myself, the truth is what I REALLY enjoy the most is creating things for other people. To see their face at the reveal of whatever it is I’ve made OR to put a smile on someone’s face. I think that’s one of the reasons I would love to be a photographer by trade, is to be creative, have projects, create art for other people that makes others happy.  I actually feel kinda lost when I don’t have that outlet or haven’t created or made anything in a while.

Although lots of mini projects are getting done, at the moment I’m sad about a few things. I’m mostly sad because I made a promise to myself in the summer that I will buy my first SLR professional camera by the end of the calendar year and before 2012 hits. I really don’t think I’m going to be able to scrounge together the change. L*big sad face* It breaks my little photographic heart to pieces but I just don’t know what else to do. I’m just not sure I’m willing to go into debt; I would like to try my best to save for it.

The fall season is crazy, everywhere I drive I see pictures in my head and art I want to capture. it’s the dull colours, the way the light hits field on my drive home from work, and all those fuffy things in the ditches everywhere. Fall certainly has the most amazing textures and certainly makes me wish I had my Canon right now. The time that I could waste just shooting bare trees and fluffy things in the ditch. Maybe they’ll be some boxing week sales on Canons? Here's to hoping.

November is and will likely be a VERY emotionally rough month. I wish some days and dates would vanish from your memory forever. I’d love to make new happy memories for November some day, but for now I hope it goes by fast.  There are too many reasons why I hate November that I will try not to dwell on.

I’ve been watching a lot of O.W.N. (Oprah Winfrey Network) and her new show. Oprah was talking about your inner voice and paying attention in your life. Something really resonated with me. It’s so true, life speaks to you in a whisper first. How many times have we felt that gut feeling and ignored it or suppressed it deeper inside? Everyone does it all the time, from small things like "maybe I shouldn't speed up to run that yellow light", to relationships and cutting toxic people out of your life before it’s too late and something drastic happens.  I, like many people, have been guilty of ignoring that whisper at first. The problem when you ignore that whisper is that time will pass and then the next time the whisper turns into slap upside the head, the warning gets stronger. We ignore the slap and eventually the slap turns into a brick being dropped on your head. Sometimes, depending on what it is, you can’t afford to ignore the whispers, slaps and bricks just to say “hind sight is 20/20”. Oprah describes it as vibrational frequencies coming at you. It’s ultimately up to you to listen and trust them as warning signs. It’s your own internal security system trying to warn and protect you.

That’s what’s kinda funny about humans. We often give others the benefit of the doubt before ourselves.  If we listen to those whispers, inner instinct and trust ourselves we can possibly save ourselves a lot of grief down the road. It’s our job to pay attention in our own life. No one else’s.

I truly feel like if you don’t have time or money to go to a therapist you should watch Oprah, she really does have some amazing life coping skills that can apply to everyone’s life in some form or another. 

I'm going to end this post with a fall photo I took today on a drive out and about. Hopefully I can catch some more before the snow hits.

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<3 Fall.

-J-