I've started a new blog. I realized today that I need a space that I can freely write and vent. A space where I can write whatever I want without judgement. I've wanted to write more recently but the truth is I'm limited due to the friends, family, coworkers and boys that i know read this. I want to feel like I can say fuck you or even I love you if I want.
I'm not sure if I will continue this blog or not, I haven't decided. We will see.
-J-
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
No Tree This Christmas
Bah Hum Bug…
I’m so not digging Christmas this year and I’m not too sure what it is exactly. Generally I like Christmas, I enjoy shopping for gifts, I like to bake Christmas cookies, make my own Christmas cards, putting the decorations up even dressing up the cat in her red handkerchief (even if it only last for 3 seconds to get a picture). The truth is I can’t be bothered this year. I wish someone would kick my ASS in spirit gear. Where is that Jessica who cares and gives a shit about all of those things? It seems weird to me that this year is more blah then last year. A person would think that the first Christmas outside of normal routine that was establishes over the years would be the most difficult? Apparently not. Maybe I was distracted last year? There’s a good possibility I had a handsome distraction last year. I am certainly missing certain things about the holidays and the old life. Of course I know I hold the power to make Christmas what I want it to be and I could go to storage, dig out the tree, the decorations. I could do everything I normally do. But there’s no motivation. It’s not the same to decorate a tree for yourself and by yourself. Bah hum bug. It makes me angry when I let shit get the best of me. I know it’s just Christmas and just a stupid Christmas tree but the truth is I’m angry about my lack of spirit.
- Fear of losing control
- Fear of being helpless, powerless or unsafe
What I have realized is that OPRAH is very controversial. You either love her or you hate her. I can’t imagine those people who don’t like her; the woman has so many valuable sincere messages that have really helped me in my life. In some cases even changed my view point, or the way I see life. Tonight I got caught up in her Lifeclass shows once again.
I’ve decided that there are too many elderly people in facilities where they don’t get any gifts or visitors at Christmas. I’m making contact with a long term care facility in town where they have a list of people who legitimately NEED things, and don’t have family that visit and buy them gifts. I hope to anonymously put a smile on someone’s face so it will put a smile on my own. Giving really is the best gift so I’m going to do what I can because I can.
I’m so not digging Christmas this year and I’m not too sure what it is exactly. Generally I like Christmas, I enjoy shopping for gifts, I like to bake Christmas cookies, make my own Christmas cards, putting the decorations up even dressing up the cat in her red handkerchief (even if it only last for 3 seconds to get a picture). The truth is I can’t be bothered this year. I wish someone would kick my ASS in spirit gear. Where is that Jessica who cares and gives a shit about all of those things? It seems weird to me that this year is more blah then last year. A person would think that the first Christmas outside of normal routine that was establishes over the years would be the most difficult? Apparently not. Maybe I was distracted last year? There’s a good possibility I had a handsome distraction last year. I am certainly missing certain things about the holidays and the old life. Of course I know I hold the power to make Christmas what I want it to be and I could go to storage, dig out the tree, the decorations. I could do everything I normally do. But there’s no motivation. It’s not the same to decorate a tree for yourself and by yourself. Bah hum bug. It makes me angry when I let shit get the best of me. I know it’s just Christmas and just a stupid Christmas tree but the truth is I’m angry about my lack of spirit.
Here’s what I’ve recently learnt about anger. You’re never angry for the reason you think you are. It’s so true isn’t it? Anger is simply just the easy way out or outlet for your emotions. Beneath anger usually sits a pile of hurt. Hurt makes people vulnerable and being vulnerable is generally about the FEAR of one of the following:
- Fear of losing love- Fear of losing control
- Fear of being helpless, powerless or unsafe
Fear allows you to stay in anger and essentially is your way of self preservation. Fear will define who you are if you let it, so HOW do I not let that happen? That is the real question.
Oprah…What I have realized is that OPRAH is very controversial. You either love her or you hate her. I can’t imagine those people who don’t like her; the woman has so many valuable sincere messages that have really helped me in my life. In some cases even changed my view point, or the way I see life. Tonight I got caught up in her Lifeclass shows once again.
What I’m realizing more and more everyday (with thehelp of Oprah) is that life is truly about energy. Despite some minor challenges (as I call them) in my life, I like to think that I’ve a fairly positive person. I think when you give and project positiveness outwards it’s only natural that positive things happen in your life and come back around. I’ve been feeling really blah lately and I think its cause I’m not pum showing signs of tting the right energy out. I need to fix that. Somehow. I think I want to start by sharing some joy with others, it might just help me feel good about my life, what I DO HAVE, and get me into the Christmas spirit.
Holiday Project:I’ve decided that there are too many elderly people in facilities where they don’t get any gifts or visitors at Christmas. I’m making contact with a long term care facility in town where they have a list of people who legitimately NEED things, and don’t have family that visit and buy them gifts. I hope to anonymously put a smile on someone’s face so it will put a smile on my own. Giving really is the best gift so I’m going to do what I can because I can.
And for the girl(s) who need to read this right now (you know who you are):
Love shouldn’t have to fix you or change you. Love accepts you as you are, faults and all. Love doesn’t walk away, stop trying or wanting to make it work. Take your time to look for and enjoy the experience and try not to get caught up in the feeling. The feeling wears off and you will find you’re not left with a lot of substance. AND remember that wanting something/someone is living in the space of what you don’t have. Live in the space of what you DO HAVE and the rest of the blanks will naturally fill themselves in over time. TIME! Maybe that lesson/note was for me too :)
-J-Love shouldn’t have to fix you or change you. Love accepts you as you are, faults and all. Love doesn’t walk away, stop trying or wanting to make it work. Take your time to look for and enjoy the experience and try not to get caught up in the feeling. The feeling wears off and you will find you’re not left with a lot of substance. AND remember that wanting something/someone is living in the space of what you don’t have. Live in the space of what you DO HAVE and the rest of the blanks will naturally fill themselves in over time. TIME! Maybe that lesson/note was for me too :)
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