NEW BLOG

I've started a new blog. I realized today that I need a space that I can freely write and vent. A space where I can write whatever I want without judgement. I've wanted to write more recently but the truth is I'm limited due to the friends, family, coworkers and boys that i know read this. I want to feel like I can say fuck you or even I love you if I want.
I'm not sure if I will continue this blog or not, I haven't decided. We will see.

-J-

No Tree This Christmas

Bah Hum Bug…
I’m so not digging Christmas this year and I’m not too sure what it is exactly. Generally I like Christmas, I enjoy shopping for gifts, I like to bake Christmas cookies, make my own Christmas cards, putting the decorations up even dressing up the cat in her red handkerchief (even if it only last for 3 seconds to get a picture). The truth is I can’t be bothered this year. I wish someone would kick my ASS in spirit gear. Where is that Jessica who cares and gives a shit about all of those things? It seems weird to me that this year is more blah then last year. A person would think that the first Christmas outside of normal routine that was establishes over the years would be the most difficult? Apparently not. Maybe I was distracted last year? There’s a good possibility I had a handsome distraction last year. I am certainly missing certain things about the holidays and the old life. Of course I know I hold the power to make Christmas what I want it to be and I could go to storage, dig out the tree, the decorations.  I could do everything I normally do. But there’s no motivation. It’s not the same to decorate a tree for yourself and by yourself. Bah hum bug. It makes me angry when I let shit get the best of me. I know it’s just Christmas and just a stupid Christmas tree but the truth is I’m angry about my lack of spirit.

Here’s what I’ve recently learnt about anger. You’re never angry for the reason you think you are. It’s so true isn’t it?  Anger is simply just the easy way out or outlet for your emotions. Beneath anger usually sits a pile of hurt. Hurt makes people vulnerable and being vulnerable is generally about the FEAR of one of the following:

- Fear of losing love
- Fear of losing control
- Fear of being helpless, powerless or unsafe

Fear allows you to stay in anger and essentially is your way of self preservation. Fear will define who you are if you let it, so HOW do I not let that happen? That is the real question.

Oprah…
What I have realized is that OPRAH is very controversial. You either love her or you hate her. I can’t imagine those people who don’t like her; the woman has so many valuable sincere messages that have really helped me in my life. In some cases even changed my view point, or the way I see life.  Tonight I got caught up in her Lifeclass shows once again.

What I’m realizing more and more everyday (with thehelp of Oprah) is that life is truly about energy. Despite some minor challenges (as I call them) in my life, I like to think that I’ve a fairly positive person. I think when you give and project positiveness outwards it’s only natural that positive things happen in your life and come back around. I’ve been feeling really blah lately and I think its cause I’m not pum showing signs of tting the right energy out. I need to fix that. Somehow. I think I want to start by sharing some joy with others, it might just help me feel good about my life, what I DO HAVE, and get me into the Christmas spirit.

Holiday Project:
I’ve decided that there are too many elderly people in facilities where they don’t get any gifts or visitors at Christmas. I’m making contact with a long term care facility in town where they have a list of people who legitimately NEED things, and don’t have family that visit and buy them gifts. I hope to anonymously put a smile on someone’s face so it will put a smile on my own. Giving really is the best gift so I’m going to do what I can because I can.

And for the girl(s) who need to read this right now (you know who you are):
Love shouldn’t have to fix you or change you. Love accepts you as you are, faults and all. Love doesn’t walk away, stop trying or wanting to make it work. Take your time to look for and enjoy the experience and try not to get caught up in the feeling. The feeling wears off and you will find you’re not left with a lot of substance. AND remember that wanting something/someone is living in the space of what you don’t have. Live in the space of what you DO HAVE and the rest of the blanks will naturally fill themselves in over time. TIME!  Maybe that lesson/note was for me too :)

-J-

You Will...

Shit's getting done. The first paid photo shoot is done. Hallelujah. Editing is taking place. I met a family a couple years ago through Kijiji when I was out of a job and wanting to do some photography projects to keep busy. I photographed her family at the park  and she loved the photos I took for them. About a month ago she contacted me again and wanted to know if I was still taking photos. OF COURSE I’M STILL TAKING PHOTOS, it’s in my blood. My confession: I kinda lied. I told her that I now charge to take photos (I’ve never charged anyone). She agreed to my price like it was nothing, flattering really.  We met again last weekend and it was really nice to see how much her twin girls have grown.  I wish I could have had them stay a bit longer to get some more shots, but kids really don’t have the attention span an inspiring photographer needs. Overall I’m happy, and I think it might be a start. I’m thinking of posting another add on Kijiji soon to do some more things for strangers, make some more connections. It’s great creative expression for me to work on photos. It gives me the outlet I need. Here are just a few photos from last weekend family shoot:

Recently while cleaning up my computer I came across my “counseling folder”.  A folder in which houses a variety of old notes, and writing exercises my counselor has had me do over the last year and a half (I’ve not seen her in a while).  One of the exercises she had me write was “What’s Important to Me in a Partner”. A reflection of what it is that I value in a partner and what I feel I deserve. Life has a funny way of getting complicated, not to mention messy. When life happens things find a way of getting foggy. The list is just a visual reminder. It’s good to revisit when needed and remind yourself of the qualities in a person that are important to me. It’s been several months since I had read the list. Most things haven’t changed however there were some revisions made this week.

 You Will…

…have a smile that I’ll want to see every day, no matter what.
…make me a better person for knowing who you are and I’ll make you equally a better
    person as well.
…make me wonder, “Where have you been my whole life?”.
…make me feel like all the previous heartaches and breaks were so worth it.
…want to be invested in my life as much as I am in yours.
…be the person who I can count on to fix everything, or put an honest effort to try and fix,
    from the leaking toilet to me when I’ve had a bad day.
…inspire me to be the best person I know how to be.
…make me proud to hold your hand.
…make me count the days and hours when I can see you next.
…be genuine & authentic.
…never make me feel embarrassed to be your partner.
…spread love and light to those who know you, and even some who don’t.
…be the person I can’t stop talking about.
…leave a smile both on my face, and my heart.
…be considerate of others.
…have compassion.
…be someone who compliments my life and personality.
…have a soft heart & kind soul.
…be quirky and make me laugh.
…know just what to say on bad days to comfort me.
…be the kind of man who values honesty and integrity.
…be the man that will make just cuddling feel like it’s the most intimate experience ever.
…give me butterflies even after years of being together.
…be a man who never gives up and loses sight of WHAT and WHO is important in your life.
…be LOYAL.
…be someone who makes me feel like the only girl in the world.
…be a man who isn’t afraid to cry in front of me and who makes me comfortable enough that 
    I can cry in front of him.
…be someone who stops and makes me think “how did I get SO lucky?”
…make me feel like forever isn’t long enough!
…hold my heart in your hands and treasure it likes it’s the best gift in the world.

 I have 7 days of vacation left and I’m craving a sunny holiday BIG TIME. I’ve been fairly fortunate, in the last year I’ve been away down south twice. … and the truth is I’d LOVE to make that three times. Trying to make myself realize I can’t have everything I want is tough. I wanna smell the salty ocean mixed with the smell of pina coladas and sun tan lotion. *sigh* not this year I suppose. One year I’d love to spend Christmas away, totally checked out of the craziness, leave December 23^rd and come back in the New Year. I’ve not done this yet, but maybe one day!? For now I guess I will make due with an Epsom salt bath, light my candle called “ocean breeze” and lather myself in coconut body butter… totally not the same effect but hey, what can I say, it’s a mini vacation on a budget!

-J-

Packages, Birthdays & Remembering

I’m starting to get back into the swing of things writing again or at least feeling like putting my thoughts down. Starbucks seems to be my sanctuary. Funny really, but I imagine that if I was one of those people who had to work from home that I would most likely have to come to Starbucks to get real work done. Distractions are just too much at home.

What a week, weekend and day.  

Thank heavens for a package landing in Arizona, it really changed my mood and lifted my spirits. I kind of really needed it to get there. My mood was dependant on it as sad as that is.  I’m super happy it was well received and appreciated. It made me smile from the inside out.

It was two special friends’ Birthdays this week. The friend I’ve known the longest, my bestie Terra. 28 years beautiful J Although I’m loving having my own space, I miss the Telford’s and my temporary home. I never really did tell them how much I appreciated their generosity and kindness by opening their home to me and letting me stay for almost 6 whole months. The kind of kindness you really can’t repay.  I miss being called Uncle Jess and having the pleasure of seeing my Godson more. I really do need to visit sooner rather than later.

This weekend we celebrated Carley’s Birthday in TO. It’s always good to see her and pretty much every time I see her, I think to myself, “how did I get so lucky to have this kind of a friend”?!  She’s the kind of friend everyone needs and should have in their life. She’s the friend that kicks you in the ASS when you need it. She’s the friend that tells you how it is even when you don’t wanna hear it. She’s the friend that challenges you to think about the stuff you barry away. She’s the friend that is simply a treat to have in your life. Oh and let’s not forget she’s the friend that will tear the boys a new asshole if she thinks they are at all mistreating you. Most importantly, she’s the friend where you feel like she makes a difference in your life and I make some sort of contribution to hers. I’m thankful our paths crossed at work, although, knowing the kind of stuff she knows about me and I know about her, I’m pretty sure it’s a good thing we don’t work together anymore. lol. She’s the prime example that  friendship isn’t about who’ve you known the longest but rather who came and never left your side. We’ve had our fair share of heartbreaks, boys letting us down and I think that’s what’s really brought us together even more. One day the RIGHT man will realize the amazing person and friend she is and never wanna let her go. <3

Friday was Remembrance Day. Leading up to 11.11.11. I can’t help but think about my Grandpa, an accomplished Veteran and survivor of WWII.  It’s not something that is or was spoken about much in our family.  His medals hung in the family home but I never did hear of my Grandpa speak of the war and “those times”. His lack of storytelling was not surprising, he was a quiet man. A man of few words. A man of great warmth that was infectious.  And a gentle man.  A man that would flirt with the ladies in the hardware store. He really was the kind of Grandpa and man you wish everyone could have in their family or have the pleasure of knowing. Obviously Remembrance Day is a day we’re all familiar with but when you have someone in your immediate family who had endured such life experience as being a soldier, it makes you appreciate their service to our country all that more. My Grandpa lost his Brother in WWII and is buried in France. I’m sure that has a lot to do with why we never really heard stories about the war, it was likely just too painful. I can’t imagine.  Although his Brother was not all that lucky of escaping tragedy, my Grandpa did…. And blessed we were to have him part of our family as long as we did. 96 years. In the past I’ve just thrown my poppy out or it’s fallen off my coat and disappeared but this year after watching the Remembrance Day service on TV I thought I would save it and pay a special visit to my Grandpa.  On my way home from my Carley’s in Toronto I stopped in at the cemetery. This was the first time I’ve been back to the cemetery to pay my respects since we gathered on that sad summer day to watch his body lowered into the ground. Before his casket was lowered we all took poppies and pinned them on the flowers that adorned his casket. Today I returned for the first time since that sad day to pay respects and to pin yet another poppy on the wreath that sits in front of his stone.  Dear Grandpa, thank you for blessing our family with your warmth and your service to our Country. You are never forgotten. 

On a happy note, I’ve started a kitchen project. I’m creating a personalized little message centre on a small piece of wall in my Kitchen. 3 coats of magnetic paint and then chalkboard paint will be going on top tomorrow. When it’s all done, I will post pics. This project makes me happy for a number of reasons:

- I’m accomplishing things on my to-do list

- Realizing that I can paint and I DON’T need men to help me do everything, afterall I’m a big girl! Which makes me feel all that more independent. In the past, my idea of painting was picking out a colour, leaving for a day and coming back and all the messy tedious work is done for me.

- Putting some personality into my Kitchen and marking my territory on my home

Things I’m looking forward to this week coming:

- A family photo shoot Saturday (first paid shoot YAY – cross your fingers for good weather)

- Having some photos to edit (editing photos that aren’t of me, will be a nice treat)

- Finishing my kitchen project

- Getting my new Blue Ray player (with Wi-Fi)

I’m finding it important for me to recap at the beginning/end of a week the good things that have happened and the good things I’m looking forward to (as small as they are). I’m a person who needs things to look forward to. Plain and simple.

For now I’ll leave you with some photos from my visit this afternoon:

-J-

Projects, Canons & Whispers

I’ve been stuck for a few weeks now, feeling a little bit uninspired about things to write about. It’s not that things haven’t happened or I haven’t wanted to write it, it’s that I’ve been keeping myself busy with projects. What I’ve known about myself for a while, but am realizing more and more is that projects are my outlet.  Projects are my escape from reality for a while and a place where I can go to create and focus my energies. It’s also my way of procrastinating. It’s funny when I have a project how all of a sudden its not so important to get my laundry done lol.  I’m naturally a scatter brain, can’t focus on much but for some reason when you put a camera in my hand, or a blender, or an empty box to turn into a treasure for someone, I naturally give everything and temporarily loose myself. Although on the outside I’m sure it looks like I like to take a lot of pictures of myself, the truth is what I REALLY enjoy the most is creating things for other people. To see their face at the reveal of whatever it is I’ve made OR to put a smile on someone’s face. I think that’s one of the reasons I would love to be a photographer by trade, is to be creative, have projects, create art for other people that makes others happy.  I actually feel kinda lost when I don’t have that outlet or haven’t created or made anything in a while.

Although lots of mini projects are getting done, at the moment I’m sad about a few things. I’m mostly sad because I made a promise to myself in the summer that I will buy my first SLR professional camera by the end of the calendar year and before 2012 hits. I really don’t think I’m going to be able to scrounge together the change. L*big sad face* It breaks my little photographic heart to pieces but I just don’t know what else to do. I’m just not sure I’m willing to go into debt; I would like to try my best to save for it.

The fall season is crazy, everywhere I drive I see pictures in my head and art I want to capture. it’s the dull colours, the way the light hits field on my drive home from work, and all those fuffy things in the ditches everywhere. Fall certainly has the most amazing textures and certainly makes me wish I had my Canon right now. The time that I could waste just shooting bare trees and fluffy things in the ditch. Maybe they’ll be some boxing week sales on Canons? Here's to hoping.

November is and will likely be a VERY emotionally rough month. I wish some days and dates would vanish from your memory forever. I’d love to make new happy memories for November some day, but for now I hope it goes by fast.  There are too many reasons why I hate November that I will try not to dwell on.

I’ve been watching a lot of O.W.N. (Oprah Winfrey Network) and her new show. Oprah was talking about your inner voice and paying attention in your life. Something really resonated with me. It’s so true, life speaks to you in a whisper first. How many times have we felt that gut feeling and ignored it or suppressed it deeper inside? Everyone does it all the time, from small things like "maybe I shouldn't speed up to run that yellow light", to relationships and cutting toxic people out of your life before it’s too late and something drastic happens.  I, like many people, have been guilty of ignoring that whisper at first. The problem when you ignore that whisper is that time will pass and then the next time the whisper turns into slap upside the head, the warning gets stronger. We ignore the slap and eventually the slap turns into a brick being dropped on your head. Sometimes, depending on what it is, you can’t afford to ignore the whispers, slaps and bricks just to say “hind sight is 20/20”. Oprah describes it as vibrational frequencies coming at you. It’s ultimately up to you to listen and trust them as warning signs. It’s your own internal security system trying to warn and protect you.

That’s what’s kinda funny about humans. We often give others the benefit of the doubt before ourselves.  If we listen to those whispers, inner instinct and trust ourselves we can possibly save ourselves a lot of grief down the road. It’s our job to pay attention in our own life. No one else’s.

I truly feel like if you don’t have time or money to go to a therapist you should watch Oprah, she really does have some amazing life coping skills that can apply to everyone’s life in some form or another. 

I'm going to end this post with a fall photo I took today on a drive out and about. Hopefully I can catch some more before the snow hits.

<><>

<3 Fall.

-J-

Numb

I've been trying to write a post and various different things happening in my life right now but for some reason I can't. It's partially written but I can't finish it for some reason. It's appears as though I’m numb to a lot around me at the moment. I still haven’t gone back to counseling I think it would be good for me but I haven’t done it yet, not too sure why I havn't picked up the phone to make the appointment either. The blah’s are certainly creeping in and it’s pretty earlier this year, it usually doesn’t hit until January. Maybe it’s time to start the vitamin D earlier than later this fall/winter. For now i'll leave this...
A song that has been getting me through days lately:

"Think Good Thoughts"COLBIE CAILLAT
I'm just gonna say it,
There's no using in delaying,
I'm tired of the angry hanging out inside me,

So I'll quiet down the devil,
I'm gonna knock him with a shovel,
And I'll burry all my troubles underneath the rubble

When I'm alone in my dark dark room,
I have to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na

I'm not saying that it's easy,
Especially when I'm moody,
I might be cursing like a sailor till I remind myself I'm better,

Cause words can be like weapons,
Oh and you use them, you regret them,
Oh but I'm not gonna let them take away my heaven

And when I start feeling blue,
I remember to tell myself to,

Think good thoughts,
Think good thoughts,
Imagine what the world would be if we would just,
Think good thoughts,
Stop the bad from feeding,

I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be

I just think rain on a summer night,
Stars filling up the sky,
Sunshining on my face,
Making a secret wish,
Finding my happiness,
That always makes me hold my head up high,
I wanna hold my head up high,

I wanna think good thoughts (Imagine what the world would be if we would just think good thoughts)
I wanna think good thoughts (wouldn't that be something?)
I won't let the negativity turn me into my enemy,
Promise to myself that I won't let it get the best of me,
That's how I want to be
Na, na, na, na 
-J-

Recap Before Turkey Day

Turkey weekend is around the cornor, and again I will ask myself, where the heck has time gone?

This past week (or so) in a nutshell...

I’ve spent a ton of money (sigh).  It’s also true I’ve sold a lot of things but I’ve spent a lot too. I got to get this more under control especially since I haven’t even had my first FULL mortgage payment and month of bills. I bought a new bed, new bedding, curtains, night stand, mirror for the bathroom, bar stool, I’m sure there are more but all of this has certainly added up. This is how I justify it to myself: I needed it all (maybe not all at once) but I can’t live in a blank slate, and that’s what it is to me really. I feel like I NEED to do everything at once including all furniture, paint, hanging the art, change out the light fixtures  and the list goes on and on. Like I mentioned in my last post I NEED to create more of a schedule of things I need , buy one or two things every pay cheque…I think that’s manageable.  It’s a work in progress but it already is slowly coming together which is simply rewarding. Home truly is where the heart is. Home should stand up and greet you and wrap its arms around you when you come home after a days work, or anytime you walk into the door. It should be the place to hide, and where you can just be. The good news is, it’s already partially all of those things. J
 
My open house has come and gone. Although not everyone came by it was nice to have some friends stop in and check out the new digs. I’ve sincerely appreciated all those people who have leant a hand in any way n helping put my new place together, from hanging curtain rods, pictures, installing dishwashers and microwave ranges to putting together light fixtures also those who came by to celebrate the new place it really does mean a lot. When family and friends live far away I find myself leaning on whoever will lend a hand so it’s nice to have some people near that I can utilize, not use, but utilize their skills and willingness to help.

I’ve been thinking about someone a lot lately. He’s a friend who’s leaving in just over a week for a special mission. He’ll be gone for a while and although we don’t exactly spend a ton of time together I will miss him dearly. I’m finding comfort in the fact that challenges are given to us for a reason and I’m hoping that our friendship will remain and possibly strengthen while he’s away. I like to think I have a fairly nurturing soul who is the comforter to those I care about and that’s obviously hard to do and when someone’s so far away.  I don’t really know what else to say or how to articulate other than my ALL my thoughts will be with him on mission day.
 
Tomorrow my cat comes home to Mama’s house.  I’ve not seen her since the end of March when I moved out of my old house.  That’s over 6 months. I worried she won’t remember who her Mama is and that she won’t adjust well to the transition. Animals are so much more than little fur balls, they are the ultimate companion.  Kitty is the Ex and I’s cat. She is being shared, a bit of split custody I guess you would call it. A lot of people, friends included,  laugh and think it’s the most ridiculous thing they’ve ever heard, but for now this is what works for us, and (fingers crossed) for kitty as well. She is a piece of comfort for me. A piece of the old life that doesn’t make me feel sick. Hopefully I can love her a little more than I have in past as I’ve been known to torment her, make her wear Christmas handkerchiefs and scare her so that her fur stands up on end. I can’t wait for the reunion.
 
 Oh counseling how I need you. It’s something I’ve found over the last year and half that I need. I’ve been in and out a few different times for many different issues and topics but lately I’ve had these urges to go back for a while, especially while it’s still free for me. There’s a lot on my mind, mostly issues with trusting myself and not questioning EVERYTHING as well as addressing and understanding some of the reasons why I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable.  My counselor has a way (like most good ones) of grounding me and helping me process and breakdown big things into smaller more manageable things. I feel like I’m stressed but don’t know what I’m stressed about, so I’m hoping she can help reveal what the heck is going on.

-J-